i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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