I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just had sex on a roof
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
