chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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