I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
