i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
