Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We had to coat check the pizza.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
