so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
