Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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