K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
