She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
