Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Drunk is not a location!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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