The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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