respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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