it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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