hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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