we made out on top of his cat.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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