Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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