I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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