Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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