Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
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AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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