i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
