he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Two words: blizzard sex
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
