I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The air was thick with penises
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Randomize
