Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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