I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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