She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
