What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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