So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
