at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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