I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
