it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
