If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
