that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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