As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background