my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.