Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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