Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
