it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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