So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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