I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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