Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
