We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
