So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I CAN MOONWALK!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
