This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
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My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
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Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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