oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
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Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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