Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Two words: nipple clamps
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