There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
