if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
