dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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