why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
