if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
