Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
