woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
