he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
