I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
