I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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