nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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