In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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