i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
