and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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