I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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