Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
