they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
