Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
